Dr. Alfred Adler, Vienna psychologist famed for his study of the inferiority complex, here answers the question and endorses the idea of clinics to solve the problem of husbands and wives who find their mates revealing new traits of character after the honeymoon ends
By CAROL BIRD
MARRIAGE has long been charged with responsibility for the chameleon-like changes in character of some men and women after they marry.
"George has changed so much since he married," or "Louise is a different girl since she married George," are common remarks regarding people's friends.
What is the strange chemistry of marriage that enables it to transmute the base metal of a character into gold, or vice versa, after the matrimonial bonds are forged?
Dr. Alfred Adler, famous Viennese psychologist, Professor of Psychology at the Institute of Vienna, founder of Individual Psychology, and of Vanderbilt Clinic, Columbia University, New York City, solves, or, rather, dissolves this curious problem by declaring that people do NOT change after marriage.
The noted psychologist who traced the inferiority complex to its lair, argues that while men and women do not change after marriage, their environment does, and that it is their reaction to their changed surroundings which gives the illusion of change in character or personality.
"During the courtship period," says Dr. Adler, "young people meet and associate under the most favorable circumstances. Everything in their environment and conduct is propitious for romance. The young man puts his best foot forward. So does the girl.
"When the suitor calls on a young woman, he sees her surrounded by an adoring family. Surely such devotion on the part of the parents, brothers and sisters, must mean that his beloved is an angelic creature, thinks the young man. And it is the same way when, perchance, the fiancee is invited to the home of her fiance. He is worshipped by his mother, and he, in turn, shows her great deference and attention.
"If the young man lives alone, in bachelor quarters, the machinery of his menage runs smoothly. He likes his work, his sweetheart, his way of living. So he is usually in a happy, buoyant mood when the young girl sees him.
"How is she to know that, in a home of his own, he will miss his smoothly-running bachelor quarters? Or, if he lived at home, that he will look back wistfully to the time when his mother and sisters pampered and spoiled him?
"MARRIED to the girl he once thought an angel, a rude awakening awaits him. With the responsibility of a home, meals to prepare, and a husband and children to care for, the once carefree girl who was always so lighthearted and gay and sweet-natured, now appears a veritable vixen to the surprised husband. She snaps at him when she is over-tired, nags him occasionally, is sometimes jealous and suspicious of him.
"He, in turn, grows surly, perhaps, or turns his attention to other women. His wife cannot understand this apparent Jekyll-Hyde change. She feels cheated. What has happened to the young man who sent her flowers and candy when he was wooing her? Why has he changed from an adoring swain to a churlish husband?
"Thus husband and wife appear, to each other, unmasked. The wife, perhaps, decides that she has married the wrong person for her, and hurries to the divorce courts. The husband may do likewise, or, perhaps, in extreme cases, run off with someone else, deserting his wife who, he believes, has deceived him regarding her true nature.
"TWO circumstances exist which will aggravate matters, and hasten the domestic debacle. If either husband or wife, or still worse, if both husband and wife, have been pampered children, there is bound to be marital friction.
"Each mate, in this case, will expect to be coddled by the other. Neither wants to play the role of coddler. The wife weeps and [¿feels?] abused if her mate does not play up to her all the time, while the husband accuses the wife of being cold and unsympathetic if she does not become a satellite.
"This accounts for husbands' often-heard remark: 'My wife does not understand me,' usually addressed to another woman who he believes does understand him.
"If either husband or wife assumes superiority, and attempts to impose his or her will upon the other, marital storms are sure to follow. In marriage there can be no conqueror or conquered. Husband and wife must regard each other as equals. There must exist equality and teamwork.
"Because a man was a little monarch when a lad, ordering his family around, and subduing his playmates, he goes on through life and into marriage expecting to do the same thing. When he is frustrated by a mate who refuses to be dominated, the trouble starts.
"And because a woman was a spoiled darling when she was a little girl, reigning like a queen with subjects bending the knee before her, she is bitterly disappointed when, after marriage, she finds that her husband has no intention of catering to her every whim, as, perhaps, he did during the courtship.
"It is small wonder that the people who knew the amiable girl in her mother's house, or the good-natured man in his father's home, observing their conduct in their own domicile, says:
" 'William has changed terribly since his marriage,' or 'Alice isn't the same girl since she married William.'
"If some wizard could wave a magic wand and permit an engaged couple to see each other's youthful double, much domestic infelicity could be avoided. If, by some strange sorcery, a fiancee could see her adult suitor when he was a little boy, and a fiance could vision his cherished one as she was when a small girl, it is quite possible that there would be a different outcome to their marriage—or, perhaps, no marriage at all.
"People do not change overnight. There is no black magic in marriage which makes a fine and amiable girl turn shrew after her wedding day, or an unselfish, sympathetic man become a brute after he has placed a wedding ring on his chosen one's finger. That churlish, bossy little boy is almost certain to be a tyrant in marriage, and that whining, helpless little girl to fail in her marital duties.
"Preparation for marriage begins in childhood. Little boys and girls must be taught to consider the feelings of others, to help others. They must not be permitted to believe that the world revolves around them and their petty little desires.
"They must learn that they are but units in the scheme of things. Thus they will not develop an inflated ego which will in after life cause immeasurable unhappiness and disillusionment.
"THIS 'in-law' antagonism is not entirely without cause. When a woman realizes that she is tied to a tyrant, who believes that he must subdue his wife because of his supposed masculine superiority, she senses that his upbringing has been faulty.
"No wonder she does not feel excessive love for the mother she considers responsible. And, to aggravate the situation, the mother-in-law usually sympathizes with her son.
"On the other hand, observe the man who is happily married, having had the good fortune to marry a woman who understands the importance of co-operation, and who, while not subordinating her will to his, does not try to 'gain the upper hand.'
"He is almost certain to be on quite cordial terms with his mother-in-law. He somehow divines he is thus benefiting by the older woman's wisdom. Naturally, he is grateful to her, and shows it by treating her with affection.
"But there are ways by which a person can avoid the pitfall of uniting himself to one unsuited for the matrimonial state.
"IT does not require the insight of a psychologist to know that the unsocial person will not make a good mate. The man or woman who has not learned in the years before marriage to be a good companion, associate, friend, is not likely to develop into an extremely desirable husband or wife. The solitary, the recluse, the selfish, self-centered type of man or woman may well be avoided.
"Adults who are much pampered in their family circles, or ones who are extremely egotistical, or who have a tyrannical nature, will not prove prizes in the marriage draw.
"Supersensitive people, those who are vain and stubborn and unyielding, are pretty certain not to develop into enviable mates.
"When a girl is looking over the matrimonial possibilities in her immediate set, it is well for her to focus her attention on the socially adjusted youth. The young man who draws to himself many friends, must have desirable character qualities. The fact that he can get along with many different people means that he has learned the secret of comradeship.
"It is the same with a woman. The girl who is surrounded by many friends, who is sought out and liked by both men and women, has also learned the secret of getting along amicably with others.
"SO it is that a young man who has been well-liked before marriage, who has made many friends, and who is held in esteem by others, cannot change overnight after marriage. It is inconceivable that the man who knows how to deal with men and women before marriage should not understand the one girl he happens to love above all others.
"Jealousy is the cause of much domestic trouble. But the green-eyed monster does not loom up without first having cast its shadow. Excessive jealousy usually masks a feeling of inferiority. This sense of inferiority reveals itself before just as well as after marriage. If a girl has a jealous strain, it is going to show up before she marries. She will be suspicious of every other girl who crosses the path of her affianced. She will reveal her jealousy in many ways.
"There are those who delude themselves into thinking that jealousy is the mark of a great and passionate love.
"But the little storms of jealousy before marriage turn into veritable typhoons after marriage, and life can be made horrible for the unfortunate man or woman who marries a jealous person. A jealous wife will see her husband's relatives, his business associates, even his men friends, through a green cloud. She will nag him, torment him, and fall into fits of rage and weeping.
"While the girl who is flattered by displays of jealousy on the part of a fiance will rue the day she ever married the man who, by jealous rages, revenges himself upon his mate because he suspects that she may be superior to him.
"SOMETIMES babies, who are supposed to strengthen the bonds of marriage, and to bring man and woman closer, really tend to separate them. The jealous husband, seeing his wife lavish affection upon her offspring, feels that he is being relegated to second place. Even a fond mother will experience sharp pangs of jealousy—if she is of the jealous type—when her husband fondles and makes much of one of the children.
"It is utterly wrong and needless for people to change, or to appear to change radically after marriage. There should be proper preparation for love and marriage, and this consists of learning to consider the interests of others, in correct and complete social adjustment, and in co-operating with others. This training should begin in childhood and continue to maturity.
"As a result of these years of assiduous training, with ultimate marriage in view, a man or woman will be properly prepared for the different status.
"Such properly prepared and equipped men and women will not appear to 'change after marriage.' Their characters will have the stability that will not be adversely affected by a new mode of life.
"YOU ask: 'Until that happy millenium arrives when all people are properly prepared for marriage, what can be done to keep people from changing so markedly after marriage, or of creating the illusion of having changed?'
"I should say a marriage clinic would be a good idea. Or it might be advisable to establish advisory councils which would untangle mistakes in matrimony by the methods of individual psychology.
"Trained persons would make up these councils, and they would understand the unity in individual lives, and how all events cohere and hang together. They would have the ability to identify themselves sympathetically with the persons seeking advice.
"Divorce would not be advocated. For of what use is a divorce? Divorced persons, as a rule, marry again, and simply repeat their mistakes.
"One could not establish a clinic for engaged couples to forestall marriage difficulties, for those in love are optimistic and believe that their unions will be successful. Besides, the problems do not arise until after marriage. They cannot be anticipated.
"Circumstances, environment, individuals—everything—direct the outcome. The real training in preparation for marriage should begin in childhood."
For marriage is no bed of roses, no paradise in which all dreams come true automatically as soon as the fatal "I do" has been recited.
"Parents are not being kind to children," Dr. Adler continues, "when they spoil and humor them.
"They are merely paving the way for their offspring's unhappiness, and what is worse, they are also laying the foundation for unhappiness for the children of somebody else who happen to marry theirs.
"FOR it is when the candidate for marriage (everyone is a potential candidate for this natural state) is a child that the foundation must be laid. The knack of adjusting oneself to others, seeing with their eyes, hearing with their ears, feeling with their hearts, must be learned young or not at all.
"Marriage requires exceptional sympathy, that is, the ability to identify oneself with another person.
"Marriage does not by alchemy accomplish miracles.
"What a person really was before marriage, he remains after marriage. Husband and wife need not feel 'that they have been cheated' or that their partner has somehow masked his real character, suddenly to reveal it when it is too late.
"And those courageous, self-confident people, who have harnessed their efforts on the useful side of life and who are adaptable, and thoughtful of others, are bound to make of marriage a success.
You will not hear the friends of such people say:
" 'I can't understand what Will saw in Dora to make him marry her,' or 'Jim certainly was a different person before he married, wasn't he?' "
Dr. Adler cites a marriage test which is still in use in small villages of Germany. When two young people intend to wed, he says, they are taken by the villagers to a nearby forest and given a crosscut saw. Then, one on each end of the saw, they are made to saw through a huge log. If each holds up equally his share in this very co-operative undertaking, they are regarded as well-mated. But if one lags and makes the other carry more than a fair share of the burden, their marriage is discouraged by the townspeople.
Copyright, 1930.
Fuente: Carol Bird, "Do People Change After Marriage?", Rochester Democrat and Chronicle (Rochester, N.Y.), suplemento dominical, 1930, página completa; artículo sindicado, "Copyright, 1930". Fecha exacta no determinada (Fulton History, Rochester NY Democrat Chronicle 1930, página 3618). Transcripción de todo el artículo hecha sobre la imagen de la página en Fulton History (fultonhistory.com), de calidad media (imagen binarizada); el OCR de la plataforma, en columnas desordenadas, solo sirvió de orientación. Orden de lectura restituido por el sentido. Es un reportaje de la periodista, que pone en boca de Adler, entre comillas, la mayor parte del texto. Se conservan «fiancee», «millenium», «menage», «says» (por say) y «Professor of Psychology at the Institute of Vienna». La palabra «feels» tras «weeps and» está casi borrada y es conjetural.