--- Title: Unspoiling the Spoiled Child Description: Children, The Parents' Magazine (New York) 4 (1929), no. 5 (May), pp. 19, 72-73. Author: Alfred Adler URL: https://adler.school/archivo/adler/original/1929-05%20Unspoiling%20the%20Spoiled%20Child --- # Unspoiling *the* Spoiled Child ***Give each child an equal chance and teach him that success is not a gift but an accomplishment*** By ALFRED ADLER, M.D., LL.D. *Physician, psychiatrist, author, founder of the behavior clinics in the public schools of Vienna, lecturer at the New School for Social Research, New York City. Author of "Understanding Human Nature"* It often happens that one child in a family usurps the center of the stage much to the detriment of the other members. Why is Tommy a braggart? Why is Mary always the self-appointed leader in games, while Josephine sulks because she cannot keep up with her agile and bossy sister? Why is one youngster easy to manage while another is rebellious or sullen? Among the problems which perplex and baffle parents here is one with which they especially need help. Children occupy important or prominent positions in their families and their homes for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it is because they are beautiful, sometimes because they are talented, sometimes because they are spoiled. Stress may be laid upon a child's importance if he happens to be an only child or if his birth has followed the death of another beloved child. It may chance that the child is the only boy among girls or the only girl among boys. In this way also undue importance is often achieved by him. Or it may be that one of his parents is unduly prominent in the home; the father because of his mind, his money, or his power; the mother because she is beautiful or talented. Children may be used to hearing visitors exclaim, "What a lovely voice your mother has!" "Aren't you proud of your father? He is the most popular man in town." Often they become sensitive to this situation and grow restive and unhappy under it. Whether it is father or mother or a child who is in the limelight, the other members of the family, especially the children, feel thwarted and a sense of inferiority develops under such conditions. It is surprising how often teachers "play favorites" among the youngsters in their classes. They heap too many attentions upon one child. If the youngster is clever, well mannered, good looking, unusual in any way, he becomes the recipient of the teacher's special notice and, as in the home, the other children are soon conscious of this inequality of attention. They realize that the favored child is far ahead of them in certain ways, they resent it, grow discouraged, and seek escape. This escape assumes various forms among the less favored children in a family. Because of their sense of inferiority they become peevish, restless, lazy, indifferent, and if the tendency is not checked are in danger of later becoming neurotics, criminals, or otherwise unhappy, unadjusted persons. The results of such a situation are often just as disastrous for the favored or prominent child. Since attentions are heaped on him at home, he grows accustomed to having everything made easy for him and expects it of society. Because he has heard his parents say, "Isn't Bobby handsome?" or "Did you ever know a brighter child?" he looks for the same petting and admiration from the world. He expects society to receive him with open arms. But society does not always bow down to beauty and talent. If Bobby is not met with adulation by the world, he does not understand why. He becomes disappointed, is apt to weaken and seek compensation or escape in various ways, as do his less favored brothers and sisters. His whole training has been against strengthening his moral fiber to meet just such an issue. We wonder why so many handsome, talented people become worthless, turn into criminals or neurotics or go insane. In the poor training and over-attention received by the favored child at home and in school lies the reason. If the prominence of such a child is considered by his family, by his teachers, by society to be due to an inherited trait of nature, nothing effective can be done to correct it and his situation becomes dangerous. There are many examples of this in families. One boy who came under my attention studied agriculture and was very successful in his work. His younger brother had the example of the older one held up to him continually by his parents and teachers. "Look at the wonderful work James is doing. Isn't he a bright boy, and don't you want to be like him?" was continually dinned in his ears. Finally he disliked what he heard so much that he refused to be a student, took refuge in being ignorant, and became an ordinary gardener. It was his way of escape. The children who are not so brilliant as the ones held up as examples hate to have the success of their brothers or sisters emphasized and react by refusing to come up to the standard they might otherwise have attained. There are countless cases of this sort. I think of a boy who was the youngest member of his family. All his sisters and brothers had excellent positions in life. He heard constantly about their success, until he was disgusted. When he grew older he (*Turn to page 72*) ## Unspoiling the Spoiled Child (*Continued from page 19*) became a day laborer and finally took to drink. The parents in this case, as in so many other cases, could not understand the reason for their son's failure. In the same way a successful father often does not know why his son or daughter fails to follow in his footsteps. Yet in the light of individual psychology it is easy to understand why children of brilliant parents are so often failures. There is a way to avoid the unhappy situation described above and all parents should understand and adopt it. Prominence in anyone, child or parent, must not be considered as due to an inherited talent. It must, on the other hand, be regarded as the result of general training. By this is meant that the child through his parents' training, his school training or the training that comes through daily living develops qualities that lead to his success. Therefore, if in a family a child is prominent through cleverness, disposition or tact, the idea must be eliminated that his favored position is due to inherited talents. Parents must say to the less favored children, "Bobby is better trained than you. If you train yourself, you can be as successful and able as he is." They must realize that the favored child's strength can be made an incentive to the slower child. This theory, which has been proved true in the clinics of Vienna and elsewhere, does away with the hopelessness of the belief that a certain child's prominence is due to inherited traits, belongs to him alone, and cannot be attained by others. This rule, of course, holds true in school as well as at home. The child who stands first in his lessons becomes an example to other children, but the teacher can say to the children who lag behind the brilliant pupil, "You too can do excellent work if you try hard enough." Thus children can be relieved of the burden of hopelessness and become better adjusted to their school work and their whole lives. Examples of the beneficial effects of the application of this theory in school are too numerous to mention. One child who had failed continually in arithmetic became the best mathematician in the class under his new sense of freedom. Another one who could not recite in history grew so interested in the subject that he took a prize. In hundreds of cases the release from the old restraint of failure and despair has shown itself in added zest and increasing success in school work. It is interesting to note how the realization that one child's prominence is due to training rather than to inherited talent clears up otherwise impossible situations. For instance, it is a well-known fact that girls up to the age of seventeen or thereabouts develop more rapidly than boys of the same age. This fact is apt to give boys who are with girls of the same age a great sense of inferiority. The conditions of a group of youthful friends will be improved if parents and teachers explain to the boys that their girl companions are not always going to be bigger and stronger and more agile than they. A little later on they will catch up with them. This feeling of inferiority on the boys' part has a marked influence on the system of co-education. Being in classes every day with girls who excel him in studies is discouraging to the boy. While not necessarily an argument against co-education, it is a point to be weighed in considering the education of children. In the case of twins the sense of inferiority in one of the children is often strong. One is apt to go ahead of the other in his studies, his appearance, his general social adjustments. James, who is left behind, has a great sense of inferiority unless his parents understand the situation and can show him that it rests with him to make himself strong along the lines in which he has special abilities. It is found that at home, in school, and in society, in general, better adjustments are made by children and adults alike who learn that they need not be hampered or discouraged by other people's progress. On the contrary, by remembering that prominent people have gained their high positions through general training, those less favored can apply themselves, discover their particular talents and achieve freedom and power for themselves. --- *Fuente:* Alfred Adler, "Unspoiling the Spoiled Child", *Children, The Parents' Magazine* (New York, Parents' Publishing Association), vol. 4, no. 5, May 1929, pp. 19, 72-73. Transcribed from the page images of the copy digitized at archive.org (pp. 19, 72 and 73 of the PDF, rendered at 200 dpi), checked against its OCR. The article was reprinted, with minor changes ("self-assertive sister", British spellings) and the heading "How Family Favouritism Breeds Criminals", in *The Sun* (Sydney), Sunday edition, 8 September 1929, p. 21 (Trove, nla.news-article223496868), as "Exclusive to 'The Sunday Sun' by Alfred Adler".